I have decided to begin accepting applications for the enviable position of Barry’s Best Friend.
Before you start, you should know some of the requirements for this position:
* A thorough knowledge of mid-to-late 80’s punk music (right before it became “alternative”)
* A tolerance for long, rambling messages being left on your answering machine. (NOTE: An “appreciation” would be better, but a “tolerance” will do.)
* Must be a connoisseur of the overlooked art of the Bad Pun.
BARRY’S BEST FRIEND APPLICATION/QUIZ
3) If I choose to make up a nickname for you, as I most certainly will, do you have any names that are strictly off limits (ex. “Doofus,” “Bozo,” etc…)?
4) Please list your last three best friends:
5) Who is your current or most recent best friend?
6) Reason for ending relationship:
7) What qualities do you possess that you feel could not be satisfied by a more traditional best friend, like a dog? Use another sheet of paper if necessary.
8) What is the latest/earliest that you will accept phone calls?
9) Identify, using the quote, and re-enact the following Monty Python routines:
A) “I didn’t expect some kind of Spanish Inquisition…”
B) “Do you, in fact, have any cheese here at all?”
C) “He’s not dead, he’s pinin’ for the fjords.”
10) Fill in the blanks: “Hey, Barry, I really _____ your last column! It was totally _____!”
11) Identify the films from which the following quotes were taken:
A) “We believe that McCartney is merely in denial about his untimely death. Praise Paul!”
B) “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here, this is the War Room!”
C) “Don’t you want to look at the Grand Canyon?”
12) If I were to say to you, “Hey, I just got this new Blind Slim Williamson CD. It’s a reissue of a Library of Congress recording from a back porch in Hushpuckenah, Mississippi in 1936 and features Sandbox Leroy on harmonica. If you listen closely, you can hear Williamson’s wife cussing him out during some of the softer choruses,” would you reply:
A) Wow, that sounds amazing. Put it on. Turn it up.
B) Really? Is that the one where they do a version of Memphis Johnson’s “Cott’npatch Moan?” I think I used to have that on vinyl.
C) Why the hell would I want to listen to an ancient, scratchy recording of some dead guy playing an out-of-tune guitar?
13) How many times have you seen The Ramones live in concert?
14) If I were to say, “I used to be a doctor, but I had to quit, ’cause I kept losing my patience,” would you reply:
A) Oh, how very, very witty. Ah ha ha ha ha. Please! Stop! My side!
B) There was a time when I held fast to the notion that the pun was the lowest form of wit, but the more time I spend with you the more I am beginning to realize that it is a grossly overlooked and underappreciated art form, one that you are not only single-handedly reviving, but also taking to levels never before imagined possible.
C) Good bye.
15) If I were to say to you, “Have I told you the story about the time I burned my eyelashes off while trying to light gasoline?” would you reply (NOTE: Chances are good that I have told you this story no less that 5 times):
A) No. No, I don’t think you have. Here, give me a moment to make myself comfortable so I can give you my complete and undivided attention. Mind if I take notes, as I’m sure I’ll want to refer back to this often?
B) Oh yeah! You have! I love that story! Will you tell it again?
C) Jesus! Not the fuckin’ eyelash story again! Can’t you let one week go by without telling that goddamn story?
16) Essay question #1: You say something very clever, witty or insightful during a conversation with me. I pull out a tiny notebook and write it down. A week later you read your very words in the newspaper, in a column with not only my name on it but a picture of my head next to it. I have prefaced your thoughts with, “Oh, and here’s something really interesting that I thought of the other day.” There is not even a mention of your name, nary a nod in your direction. How do you react?
17) Essay question #2: You do or say something that you wish you could take back at once. One of those moments where the only saving grace is that a bunch of people weren’t around to witness you do or say it. But I was there, notebook in hand. A week later you read about it, in detail, with several fabricated embarrassments added and also attributed to you, supposedly to make for a more interesting read. There was no attempt to disguise your name. In fact, your phone number was mentioned. How do you react?
All done? Great. Paste your completed form in the comments section below.
I’ll be announcing/embarrassing/plagiarizing the winner soon.